“The soul–which I’m defining as our capacity for these deeply positive human qualities–is something that, in most of us, desperately needs to be developed. Too many of us live in a fractured state, deeply divided against ourselves… We exist in a self-generated vacuum of moral ambiguity, where everything is relative and our attention is focused mainly on our emotional state…we are attracted to that which is beautiful, profound, and meaningful but find ourselves lacking the soul strength to really struggle, to engage in a life-and-death wrestling match with our own division, cynicism, and inertia. The awful truth is that it is just easier for us not to care that much. In order to care that much, we have to be willing to feel a connection with life that is so deep that it hurts. We have to be ready to step onto the field of our own experience in a way that is authentic, unconditional, and deeply committed… ~ Andrew Cohen
It is 3 am, all is quite except for the jazz playing on my stereo. The fireplace is casting a warm and ambient glow warming my heart and mind. I am constantly amazed at how the simple routines and things I do reveal a tremendous amount of insight into who I really am. Something that has consistently stayed with me over the years is the need for perfection and the need to not make mistakes. When I take a closer look, Part of that might have come from the fact that I constantly sought approval from my dad and others more so than my mom. Mom and I had a very close relationship that transcended everything. She taught me to how to read and the magical power of words when I was 3 and it opened my mind and my heart.. My father was an enigma. He was complicated and frequently misunderstood. I spent the better part of my childhood trying to understand him and wanted to hear him say he loved me. He would always reply You should know that I love you, I wrote a song for you when you were three years old! I felt stupid and tried to conjure enough energy to smile, even though I didn’t want to. My father would sit at the piano in our living room. He was my five a.m. wake up call. I would hear dulcet tones sending a breath of notes across my mind to the beat of my existence. It was a series of riffs and changes with syncopated harmonic intent. It had a rhythm that majestically brought a sense of devotion to each note. The sound of him hitting each piano key gave the house a mystery, improvising life — setting our house apart from the rest of the houses on Wilton Place. Part of it was observing him in his natural habitat, which was in front of a band and writing music. He was a perfectionist. Every note is where it is supposed to be, minimal flats and sharps. That’s how he remotely orchestrated my life. It was quite a contrast from what I was most comfortable with, so I wanted to become what I had seen, even though I didn’t understand him. I became a perfectionist and afraid to make a mistakes. Losing my power of imagination and creating from the soul and heart, becoming inert and lost.
So just for today I am going to stop for a moment and think about writing with reckless abandon. Then, I am going to write another scenario from my year of musical thinking releasing negative thoughts and will be empowered to learn what my soul speaks to me. Not worrying about the outcome and minimizing the illusive stress of success. Allowing to freely move among the furniture of the soul where Andrew Cohen refers …to embrace a kind of fearless vulnerability where our transparency is our strength and the living experience of connection is permanent, unbroken, and inescapable.” Don’t let what some person says or does make you feel less than or unqualified. You’ve been handpicked by the Creator of the universe. You are lacking nothing for the season that you’re in right now. What you have in your hand is what you need. When you dedicate it to God and do what He tells you, He’ll bless and multiply what you have in your hand and use it to take you further than you ever dreamed! How about you? Are there special moments in your childhood that will give a sustainable and just meaning to your life today? Feel free to share. Peace Out!
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